In which the author goes to extreme measures to reuse text that was written for other purposes, far above and beyond the ridiculousness that has already been seen (book reviews, product reviews, etc) and hopes you don’t notice and that it will blend seamlessly and effortlessly into the rapidly deteriorating story. No, winners never quit, but it’s also fair to say idiots never give up. Go, word count!
Martha sighed and looked up from her keyboard. The last words – the only words – she’d typed in the last hour still staring at her. Mocking her.
“This Preliminary Engineering Study investigates the roadway and structure flooding in the area of Sunberry Road and Jackson Street, adjacent to a tributary of Loftloller Creek, in Haynesworth, Missouri.”
The report was due tomorrow, and she had writer’s block. How can someone have writer’s block on a report? She sighed and took a sip of coffee, grimacing when she found her cup had gone cold. One more way to procrastinate, she thought, getting up to get herself a fresh cup. It wouldn’t be so back, but she had the beginnings of a migraine, and staring at the computer screen was torture.
Fresh coffee in hand, she settled herself back down at the computer and started typing.
“As part of this study, flooding problems were identified through prior resident complaint files, a letter sent to the residents and a subsequent storm water committee meeting, and modeling of the existing conditions. Through this, possible storm water improvements were identified along Sunberry Road and running perpendicular to Jackson Street to the creek. This Preliminary Engineering Study highlights the inadequacy of the existing storm sewer system in not only the number of structures but also in the capacity of the existing pipes.”
A noise outside her office startled her. It was late, and she should be alone. She froze, but then relaxed when she realized it was the cleaning crew, emptying waste bins and taking out the recycling. In a minute, they’d probably start running the vacuums, which would be a nice, pleasant background noise.
“The level of this analysis is conceptual in nature, and it is not intended to be a final design solution. The recommendations included in this report are used to determine the magnitude and the requirements for making the improvements.”
She went to take another sip of coffee only to find her coffee cup empty. At this rate, she was going to be so buzzed on caffeine sleep would be unnecessary. She got up, nodded to the night cleaning crew, went to the bathroom, and made a fresh cup of coffee. Another twenty minutes worth of procrastination. She was turning this into an art form.
Back at the computer, she took a deep breath, flexed her shoulders, and began typing again.
“The drainage system analyzed herein includes a small portion of two tributaries of Loftloller Creek and lateral drainage systems – including undefined drainage paths – feeding Loftloller Creek. The project begins at Sunberry Road and 187th Street and extends down Sunberry Road to Jackson Street.
Sunberry Road from 187th Street to Jackson Street is completely devoid of any storm sewer structures, despite the large area that drains through the properties on the east side on the way to a low point/culvert just south of 187th Street. This culvert is also undersized, and there is significant erosion from water not only draining off the street but also backing up because of a lack of capacity.
There is an existing storm sewer system that runs perpendicular across Jackson Street to the creek, but it is undersized and residents have reported flooding on numerous occasions.”
She looked back at the example report, and fiddled with her formatting and outline structure until it matched. Anything to put off doing any more typing for any amount of time she could justify. Normally, she didn’t mind writing reports – was quite good at it, in fact – but this one just wasn’t inspiring her. She’d been under too much stress lately, in her personal life, and it was showing.
“The existing storm sewer system that runs perpendicular to Jackson Street to the creek is inadequate and undersized. The flooding was initially reported by a resident three years ago, when her basement flooded. In her complaint she stated that the existing storm sewer pipe that runs along the side of her house is inadequate and does not have the required capacity to handle runoff from the upstream properties, and that during periods of heavy rain, the manhole lid pops open and water surcharges into the street.”
She pulled up the reports and inserted them into the appendix of the document. Everything had to be documented, she thought with a yawn. That, at least, was one thing she had enough of. Whether she could write a good enough report around it remained to be seen.
“Scour and erosion around the culvert/bridge is the largest problem on Sunberry Road. Below are some pictures of the area, which shows signs that stop-gap measures have been tried to stem to erosion, but have ultimately failed.”
She scrolled through the pictures she’d taken of the area earlier in the week, trying to find any that showed the problem clearly. It was tough, as the fall leaves obscured a lot of the erosion, but she found a few she thought would get her point across. She cropped and color enhanced them, and put them in the document.
She added the standard boilerplate about their standards and design procedures, including the construction standards and specs that would be used to build the project, if this report netted them enough money to actually build it. She yawned again, and drained the coffee from her cup. Should she get another one? It had been a long week, and she needed her sleep, but she needed to get this report done more. So she got up, brewed another cup – she loved the new single serve coffee machine – and went back to her desk to finish the report. Then she could go home and finally get some sleep.
“The major utility issues that must be addressed during design of the project will concern avoiding conflicts with and/or relocating water, gas, sewer mains and service line crossings. Costs associated with required utility line adjustments that fall within existing right-of-way is typically the responsibility of the particular utility companies in the area. Verification of exact utility locations and coordination with the utility companies in the area will be necessary during the final design and construction phases.”
She sighed and stretched again, her eyelids drooping. Maybe she needed sugar more than she needed caffeine. She grabbed some money from her purse and made her way down to the vending machines. The cleaning crew had moved on to another part of the building, and would be back to do the vacuuming, but for now the floor was eerily quiet. She found herself looking over her shoulder as she fed the money into the machine and punched in the buttons for a Snickers bar.
She was just grabbing the candy bar out of the bottom of the vending machine when she thought she saw a shadow move quickly across the break room door. She turned in time to see another, but when she raced out into the hallway, there was no one there. She took a deep breath and listened, but there was no sound.
“Well, that’s some imagination you have there, Martha,” she said to herself. She tried to add a laugh, but it came out shaky. She went back to her desk and tried to put the incident out of her mind while she finished the report, but she longed to hear the sound of the vacuum cleaners, so she wouldn’t be alone.
“The proposed limits include Sunberry Road from 187th Street to Jackson Street and the corridor of the existing storm sewer pipe running perpendicular to Jackson Street to the creek.
Runoff calculations for the enclosed storm sewer systems are based on the Rational Method for watersheds of less than 200 acres as described in Section 5602 “Hydrology” of APWA Section 5600, and runoff was calculated using a weighted runoff coefficient of 0.51 for single family residential areas. The time of concentration for each sub-watershed area was calculated in accordance with APWA Section 5600, and the rainfall intensities for the 10-year and 100-year design storms were also calculated in accordance with APWA Section 5600.
Enclosed storm sewer systems were analyzed using Manning’s equation for partially full flow and energy balance equations for pressure flow. The calculation spreadsheet and mapped drainage areas are included in Appendix C.”
The whirring of the vacuum cleaners suddenly reached her from the other side of the office, and she relaxed. She hadn’t realized how tense she had become, and as she listened to the monotonous drone of the machines moving about the office she felt her shoulders drooping in relief.
“As part of this study, survey crews surveyed the roadways, front and side yards of all the properties in the project area, back yards over the existing storm sewer line, and lateral storm sewer systems (for location, flow lines, and size). A letter was mailed to residents of the study area requesting them to report any flooding concerns they have had. Several called to report excessive overland water flow, and some showed up to the stormwater committee meeting to discuss flooding of their residences (see Appendix B)”
The calm was shattered by the piercing scream of one of the cleaners. Martha jumped up and ran out of her office, just in time to see the poor woman, looking pale and faint, pointing to a row between a set of cubicles across the room. There she could see two men running, presumably one chasing the other.
This was weird enough, but as they rounded the corner she saw that one was completely naked but holding an unusually large cucumber and the other seemed to be dressed in full Viking garb. She stood, rooted to the spot, as the raced down the hallway and out into the main corridor.
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