I love ewe, too.
I jumped out of the shower and scrambled to get into my clothes. Was it my imagination, or had there been something off about the velvet pouch in my top drawer? I was only a few steps away from the bedroom door when my phone rang. I’d left it sitting on the dining room table, and, cursing, I backtracked and grabbed it.
The caller ID said it was from an unknown number. I hesitated, then answered. “This is Jake.”
“Jake, I just wanted to update you on the status of the project,” a familiar voice said. It was Daniel, wisely calling from a phone other than his personal cell or home.
“Go ahead,” I said. I started back towards the bedroom, though not with as much urgency as before.
“Pickup went fine, the delivery is in progress. I think it’s a good… product. You shouldn’t have any problems.” There was a deep rumble in the background. It sounded like he was calling from a pay phone near the highway.
“No problems with anyone trying to get their hands on it?” I was aware that my phone could be monitored, so I added, “It’s something I’ve worked a long time on, you know, and it’s proprietary software.”
He understood, and played along. “None that I could see, and I kept my eyes open. I’ll try you back in a few hours. Oh, and Jake? I think the sale would go through even better if you wore your old college watch. The head investor is an alumni.”
“Will do, thanks,” I said, and hung up the phone. So that’s what Daniel had planted my tracking device in, I thought. No one trusted anyone these days. I tried to dredge up some anger, but it would have been hypocritical. He had the same motivation for tagging me as I had for tagging Sandra. And right now I was very glad. As long as it was still in working order, if Nate and his boys did kill me and dump my body, at least Daniel’d be able to find it to prosecute them and give me a decent burial. Not a charming thought, but in my line of work you take what comfort you can.
The only question was, where had I put that watch? Last I saw it was in the living room, where I’d taken it off after Sandra gave me the watch I wore now. I think it was her way of trying to nudge me into growing up, giving up the college gear. And the watch she picked out was a lot nicer, so I couldn’t complain. I pulled it off and started digging around the house, looking for it. Too bad the tracking devices weren’t pinpoint accurate, or I would’ve asked Daniel for the frequency and I’d have been able to find it quickly. As it was, I tore apart half the living room before I found it, wedged down between the cushions in the recliner. It looked a little battered, but it was still ticking. And it even had the right time. I strapped it on and went back into the bedroom.
I reached into the drawer and touched the velvet bag, again struck by the feeling that something was a little off. I picked the bag up, and knew something was wrong. The bag was alarmingly light, and when I reached into it I pulled out not a necklace, but a little slip of paper. I unfolded it and read the three words written there: “Naked Came Ewe”. I smiled at the play on the book by Bloom County’s Opus, and realized it was what she’d planned on naming that yarn store she always wanted to buy, but never thought she would. At least I had an easy way to find her when this was all over, and the reassurance that she wanted to be found. I was still smiling, distracted by my fantasy of a cozy, happy life, when my brain finally registered the fact that there were two people standing behind me. I closed my hand over the little slip of paper. I had to make sure they never saw it. At least I could protect Sandra.
“Hey guys, what the hell are you doing?” I tried to grin jauntily, but it felt forced. I was armed, but so were they. And there were two of them, and just one of me. Sometimes the best thing to do is back down and hope you live to fight another day.
“Jake, Jake, Jake,” George clucked. He was trying to be sinister and mob-like, but it looked and sounded weird coming out of a little weasel like him. Like the scrawny little kid playing tough. “Why couldn’t you just stay out of our business? Everything was going so well until you started meddling.”
“Because that’s my job?” I could never resist being the smart ass, even as I swore at myself. They must have come in while I was in the shower. Why didn’t I make a circuit of the apartment when I got out? Would it have done any good, anyway? There still would have been two of them and only one of me.
“Hands up, wise ass. If you hadn’t noticed, or couldn’t handle the complex math, there are two of us and only one of you.” He smirked at me, and it took all I had not to punch him square in the middle of that ferrety little face. He’d always irritated me. But to do so would probably gain my nothing but additional, completely unnecessary, and indeed detrimental, holes in my body. So I resisted the urge.
“Mike, take his gun. Jake, no sudden moves, or you’ll be full of holes, you understand?” It was like the guy could read my mind. I put my hands up, hiding the slip of paper between my fingers. Mike relieved me of my gun.
“Now, then, that we can talk like civilized gentlemen,” George said. “Why don’t you tell me where it is?”
“I didn’t realize civilized gentlemen were in the habit of speaking to people while waving guns at them,” I said. “And tell you where what is? I’m afraid Mike never had a brain, so it’s not as if I’ve hidden it.”
That comment got me a smack upside the head from Mike. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but he used the butt of the gun. I felt a dull headache begin.
“Just tell us where it is, and we can all get out of this happy and in one piece,” George said. He tried to sound gentle and cajoling, but it reminded me of a used car salesman trying to unload a lemon. He was lying, and he knew I knew it.
“You’re a lying sack of shit, you know that? Even if I did know what you wanted, or where to find it, I wouldn’t tell you.” Keep the lie going, I thought. It was my best, and only, defense right now. “Besides, you didn’t say the magic word.”
“Give it to me now,” George said, stuffing the gun in my face. It was a stupid move. If there were just the two of us, I could probably wrestle the gun away from him and get the upper hand. But Mike was there, keeping guard, well out of arm’s reach. Maybe I had misjudged who was the brains of the operation.
“Or… you’ll shoot me sooner? It won’t really help you recover what it is you want. Especially if I do know, and am the only one who does.” I winced as I saw him grin. “Unless this is something you never want found, in which case, I would have been stupid not to leave it someplace with explicit ‘open if you don’t hear from me’ instructions, right? Presumably, if I do have this thing you want, and I know what it is, I’d be smart enough to know which course of action would be best to ensure my survival, right? Unless you think I’m a complete moron.” I held up my hand. “No, no, don’t answer that. I’ll just say that, if I knew what you were talking about,” I put a lot of emphasis on the word ‘if’. “If I knew what you were talking about, I can guarantee you I’d know what I should have done with it, you know?”
George and Mike exchanged a look. They were clearly out of their depth here. I’d been wrong. Neither of them had half the brains to run even this little part of the operation. I sighed. I never thought I’d even be suggesting that anyone kidnap me, but here it went. It would buy Daniel time, because sooner or later they’d get around to asking about him, and he’d find me in time. I hoped.
“Guys, guys, you clearly are at a loss for what to do here. Would you like to know what I would do?”
“Yeah,” Mike said, before George could stop him.
George tried to recover. “Not particularly, but I’m guessing you’re going to tell us anyway?”
“Yes, well, I would take me to your base of operations, to better be able to work me over and get the information you need. Think about it, it’s probably safe and secluded, and you have all the things you need there. If you do anything here my neighbors will hear. They’re notoriously picky about noise, you know. Call the cops at the drop of a hat. I can barely watch my TV without one of them banking on the wall for me to turn it down.” This was a bald-faced lie, as I had no neighbors at the moment, but they didn’t know that.
“Funny, that’s just what we were going to do. Great minds think alike, eh, Jake?” George grinned at me. I gave him a lopsided grin back.
In truth, that was the last thing I would do. It was classic stupid criminal, taking your enemy back to your base. But if it made evidence gathering – and therefore prosecution – easier, I was all for being kidnapped.
George nodded and Mike prodded me in the back towards the door. I went along docilely. Once we were outside, I let the little piece of paper slip from my hand, and it fluttered away in the breeze. At least that was one secret that was safe. They wouldn’t even think to ask me about it, either. Despite my dire predicament, and perhaps because I was running on next to no food and even less sleep, I felt damn near giddy. I didn’t protest as they shoved me in the car and drove me god knows where.
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