In which we see things unfolding through the eyes of someone who lives outside of time, and frequently uses black holes as shortcuts to travel through space. Not the most comfortable mode of transport, to be sure, but very quick and efficient.
“Sad, so sad. Another one down. Though you can’t blame the universe on this one. They did it to themselves. I think that’s what they’d call…” Nenipven tapped on the small hand-held device. “Ah, a Darwin award. They were a fairly intelligent planet, other than messing with things they didn’t understand.”
“But without dabbling in the unknown, no one ever grows or learns,” the small moth-like creature fluttering around his head said. “And why have you taken the shape of these creatures? It’s because they’re extinct, now, and you’ve always had a soft spot for the extinct, haven’t you?”
“Yes, I have.” Nenipven leaned over and peering into the window of the police car, where the two men inside were frozen in time. “Though I really don’t like the clothing from this time period. It’s utilitarian, sure, just look at all those cargo pockets. Which are great if you have lots of things to carry. Which I don’t, so that’s a moot point. The biggest problem is that is has no style. No flair. Not like… ahh, here’s something good.”
Suddenly Nenipven was clad in a velvet coat with lace at the throat, tight pants, and high boots. He pulled at the lace cuffs and smoothed the jacket down over his new frame. “Perhaps a little on the thin side, but I’m not cut out to be a muscle-bound hunk. Wit and humor are my weapons.”
“Which might explain why you lose so many battles,” Realst said softly, but Nenipven heard him and swatted at him. Realst dodged easily, moving gracefully without effort.
“You might want to change form, as well. We’re going to be here awhile, might as well try to blend in.” Nenipven said.
“Every plant has tiny winged creatures, I blend just fine. Besides, it’s not like anyone is going to see me. There’s no need to blend in.”
“I see you, and I say you’re ruining the view looking like a creature from Uihpjut when we’re on Earth.”
“I am from Uihjput. But fine,” Realst snarled, and quickly slipped into the shape of a parrot. “I am a talking parrot. Don’t touch me!”
“Oh, too funny. And also, you said I always pick the extinct creatures, but you always pick the flying ones. Why is that?”
“It just makes sense. I can cover more ground and see more. Why wouldn’t you pick a flying creature?” he asked disdainfully.
“Style, my good… parrot. Style,” Nenipven said haughtily.
“I have wonderful, stylish plumage,” Realst snapped. “And a very sharp beak, so mind your manners.”
“Right you are, right you are. Hmmm, something’s missing.” He snapped his fingers and a stylish, silver-tipped walking cane appeared in his hand. “Now then, shall we get on with the cataloging?”
“If we must.” Realst fluttered his wings.
“We must. Community service, you don’t do the crime unless you’re willing to do the time,” Nenipven said.
“If I recall, I wasn’t willing to. I was dragged into it.”
“Now, now, no need to cast blame about, my dear chap. Let bygones be bygones, and embrace this punishment as an adventure. I certainly couldn’t have afforded to travel to so many places on my salary!” Nenipven tapped his cane on the pavement and started walking down the street with a long, loping stride.
“Why are you talking like that? Stop it, it’s annoying. And no, I will not look at this as an adventure, it’s a job. A job we’re not getting paid for, because it’s a punishment. If it were really such an adventure, you’d have volunteers lined up to do it. But they don’t, because it sucks.”
“I will not, it is dignified and classy. And cool. And I like it. Now, stop your whining and start the catalogue. We have at least twelve sectors to scan before the office can make a preliminary decision. Hopefully we can have it done before lunch, I had a light breakfast and am starving.”
“Starving? Lunch? What is… oh. You idiot, we don’t eat food. What are you talking about?” Realst fluttered around the police car, taking readings and recording the thoughts of the occupants. “Oh, this is sad. One of them saw it coming, is frozen in horror. The other seems confused, and preoccupied with something else. Ooooh, a mystery. They are apparently solvers of mysteries. And they have several unfinished ones. Well, that would be annoying. Never knowing the answer. Not that I suppose they have the time to wonder. Or care about that so much as the black hole, but still.”
“I’ve always wondered what it’s like for a temporal being to experience a black hole. I mean, I understand the concept,” Nenipven broke off as Realst snorted. “I do understand the basics of the concept, though thinking about it makes my head spin. So for them, right now, time is clicking along at a normal speed, though to the outside observer – and not just us, outside of time, but to other temporal beings in the universe – they are frozen in place. Two different times, one fast and one normal? Or one normal and one slow? I don’t know.”
“Frankly, the whole concept of time is weird to me,” Realst said. “But then, I suppose, if you can’t experience something, can you really understand it?”
“Maybe we can experience it!” Nenipven snapped his fingers. “There might be a way, but it would be dangerous. Not the actual experiencing part, but the getting out of it. Although… let me see the reading off of those two… people.” He held out a hand and a glowing orb floated into it. “Hmmm, yes, yes, I see… this could work. It could! This would be perfect. If my understanding of time is correct… yes, there. And there. Okay, we can do this. I think. Are you ready?”
“Ready for what?!” Realst squawked with alarm. “I haven’t agreed to anything. No, I don’t agree. I refuse! You can’t make me!”
He let out a squeak when Nenipven grabbed him by the tail feathers and vanished in a theatrical puff of smoke. A moment later they were both standing on a street, coughing.
“You had to be dramatic, didn’t you?” Realst grumbled. “Oh, you had to make it all... what in the name of the great dodecahedron are you wearing?”
“I be a pirate, matey, and you be me parrot! Now, get thee to my shoulder and shut yer beak!” Nenipven strutted about in his pirate regalia, and Realst sighed and gave in. The sooner they were done with this ridiculous mission, the better.
“Okay, but talk like a normal person,” he grumbled. He had learned to pick his battles.
“Fair enough. Okay, we want to understand the passing of time, yes?”
“No.”
“Yes. So I figured the way to do this is to do something that requires precise timing. Yes?”
“No.”
“Yes. So I’ve mapped out the events stored in those two people in the car’s recent memories, starting with the events of today. Oh, no, wait. I’ve miscalculated. Now we need a place to stay for a few days. Wait, wait, I’ve got it! It’ll be perfect!” He snapped his fingers. “All we have to do…”
“We can’t be seen! We could ruin everything!” Realst cut him off. “You can’t go messing with another planet’s past, even if it is doomed. Actually, especially if it is doomed!”
“No, never fear. I know of the perfect place to lay low for a few days. No one will see us, no one will know we are there.” Nenipven reassured him. “Really, it is a perfect plan. Trust me.”
“Butterfly. Wings. You can’t say that there are no consequences! Everything could make a difference. Even if you try to squash yourself down to the smallest speck of dust! There will be unexplained things, things that cause ripples in the fabric of reality. What have you gotten us into?” Realst moaned. “We are so dooned.”
“Calm yourself, and listen to me.” He told Realst the plan, and the parrot had to admit it was a good one. They might be able to pull it off, and, really, it’s not like they had a choice. Neither of them were strong enough to get themselves out of this mess until they had an escape route, and that wouldn’t happen for… he tried to remember the units of this weird time concept… days. Several days, whatever that meant.
“Okay, I agree,” Realst said sullenly. “But only because we have no other choice. I still object and say this was a bad idea. I want that noted.”
“Fine. Your objection is duly noted. Now, right, then, off to make a quick phone call, and we should have just enough time.” He chuckled at that. “Just enough time to get into place and then we wait.”
“Wait?” Realst looked confused.
“Let time pass.” Nenipven walked briskly towards a brightly lit building. “One of those time things. Now, for a moment we need to be fairly undetected.” He squished himself down to the size and appearance of a housefly, and Realst did the same. They flew into the building as someone was existing, and made their way to a room in the basement. Once inside, courtesy of the only tech leaving on his lunch break, they transformed back into a pirate and a parrot.
Nenipven picked up a nearby telephone, and, consulting his memory, dialed a number. “Hello, this is Pine Crest Funeral Home. We’re supposed to have a pickup today, but I’m afraid we’ve suffered a bit of a mishap here – sewer backup – and wonder if it would be okay to postpone? Just a few days until we get things cleaned up. Okay, thank you so much for your understanding. We’ll be in touch.”
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