In which there is even more blatant word padding (which may have, weirdly enough, been more time-consuming than actually writing a real story, except for the part about the author having The Plague and not being able to keep a coherent string of thoughts together, anyway), another weird component to an already very bizarre story, and asparagus.
“Have you found him?” Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or, asked.
“No,” replied Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe.
“How did you lose him in the first place? You had him dead to rights in that… that… particle accelerator, you said.” Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or paced back and forth across the narrow room. His four legs made short work of the trip, and he spent more time turning around than pacing, which rather ruined the effect.
“He slipped through a crack,” Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe said. “We’re trying to track it down, but it’s fuzzy. It seems to have been created in the space time between what happened and what we changed it to happen, so there’s not a direct line. And it faded fast, as the past past merged into the future past to become the present. There’s a ghost trail, and we’re trying to follow it, but we keep hitting dead ends.”
“You know that Dalltho, His Most Royal and Exonerated Highness and Ruler of All He Surveys, will be quite put out with both of us if we don’t track him down,” Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or said. “And we really, really, really do not want to make him angry. You know what happens to people who make him angry. Don’t forget the story about Habbethra, Second Countess to the Grand Elucidator, First Class, of the Pluant’ka Precinct and what happened when she refused to kill Renthrica, Priestess of the Order of the Reptilian Swans, Third Order, of the Vrelltic Precint. You know what happened to her.”
“No, actually, I don’t,” Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe said truthfully. “What happens?”
Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or, was at a loss. He didn’t actually know the story, simply knew that there was a story, and everyone (well, apart from him) supposedly knew it. Just the mention of it had always been enough to send people scurrying in fright before.
“That’s what I thought,” Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe said. “No one really knows anything about that story, do they? Was there even a Habbethra, Second Countess to the Grand Elucidator, First Class, of the Pluant’ka Precinct? Or a Renthrica, Priestess of the Order of the Reptilian Swans, Third Order, of the Vrelltic Precint? For all we know someone just made up a story once, and people kept repeating it, and after time no one really remembered the story anymore, but no one wanted to admit they didn’t know the story, so they just kept acting like they did, and somehow the threat just kept on working. It’s odd, really.”
“Are you accusing Dalltho, His Most Royal and Exonerated Highness and Ruler of All He Surveys of lying? Of making up a story about Habbethra, Second Countess to the Grand Elucidator, First Class, of the Pluant’ka Precinct and Renthrica, Priestess of the Order of the Reptilian Swans, Third Order, of the Vrelltic Precint, just to scare people?” Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or was incensed. “No one accuses Dalltho, His Most Royal and Exonerated Highness and Ruler of All He Surveys and lives!”
“Do we know this for a fact, or is there some story about a goat herder on a mountain, say, a Renwyyth Gal’trew, Goat Herder Second Class, Order of the Greentrew Mountain Clan, Loppsten Precinct, who tragically lost his head?” Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe asked blithely.
“If you don’t shut your trap,” growled Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or. “They’re going to be telling the story about one Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe who dared to question Dalltho, His Most Royal and Exonerated Highness and Ruler of All He Surveys and was dipped, feet-first, into a vat of molten copper, and whose statue is on display for all to see, with the story engraved below, so all may remember.”
“Okay, okay, no need to get so tetchy,” Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe said. “I was just positing a theory, it’s not as if I want to make Dalltho, His Most Royal and Exonerated Highness and Ruler of All He Surveys upset, anyway. No matter the veracity of the stories, the point remains that Dalltho, His Most Royal and Exonerated Highness and Ruler of All He Surveys is still all-powerful and could make anyone pay, regardless of what he has or hasn’t done in the past. That is a fact. Now, back to the matter at hand.”
Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or was only slightly mollified, though not by much. Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe was trouble, but he may well also be the only one who could bring down Nenipven Halerth’ji’na Weevrnoop, Rogue Assassin and Second Class Thief, Order of the Putrid Swamp Thing, Blurpee Tribe, Boggsley Precint.
“Report!” a voice barked from the doorway. Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or and Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe both snapped to attention and turned to see Malkkwe Huntraeek Hu’gfadst, Commander of the Glycine Phleet, Order of the Tangerine Crumpet, Chief Commanding Officer of the Kleenextic Tribe standing there glowing at them.
“Nenipven Halerth’ji’na Weevrnoop, Rogue Assassin and Second Class Thief, Order of the Putrid Swamp Thing, Blurpee Tribe, Boggsley Precint has escaped once again from the Home For the Criminally Insane Time Traveling Interdimensional Beings on Quirrrrthy. We almost had him in a particle accelerator, but someone, somehow, caused a small rip in space and he was able to squeeze through. We’ve cleaned up all of his messes, so there’s no permanent damage, but…” Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or hesitated.
“But what?” Malkkwe Huntraeek Hu’gfadst, Commander of the Glycine Phleet, Order of the Tangerine Crumpet, Chief Commanding Officer of the Kleenextic Tribe asked.
“But we can’t find him now,” Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or admitted meekly.
“Baboon’s Buttcheeks,” Malkkwe Huntraeek Hu’gfadst, Commander of the Glycine Phleet, Order of the Tangerine Crumpet, Chief Commanding Officer of the Kleenextic Tribe swore. “You know what will happen if Dalltho, His Most Royal and Exonerated Highness and Ruler of All He Surveys finds out about this before you get him back? I thought the Home For the Criminally Insane Time Traveling Interdimensional Beings on Quirrrrthy was the most secure facility in the known universe! How on the Ninth Ring of Salfrandjo’s Eighth Moon did Nenipven Halerth’ji’na Weevrnoop, Rogue Assassin and Second Class Thief, Order of the Putrid Swamp Thing, Blurpee Tribe, Boggsley Precint manage to escape?”
“I’m guessing we’ll be dealt with more harshly than Renwyyth Gal’trew, Goat Herder Second Class, Order of the Greentrew Mountain Clan, Loppsten Precinct was,” Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe said.
Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or glowered at him, but Malkkwe Huntraeek Hu’gfadst, Commander of the Glycine Phleet, Order of the Tangerine Crumpet, Chief Commanding Officer of the Kleenextic Tribe took no notice.
“You are quite correct. Much more harshly. In fact, once Dalltho, His Most Royal and Exonerated Highness and Ruler of All He Surveys is done with you, what happened to Renwyyth Gal’trew, Goat Herder Second Class, Order of the Greentrew Mountain Clan, Loppsten Precinct will seem like a relaxing day at the spa,” Malkkwe Huntraeek Hu’gfadst, Commander of the Glycine Phleet, Order of the Tangerine Crumpet, Chief Commanding Officer of the Kleenextic Tribe growled. “And you still haven’t told me how on the Ninth Ring of Salfrandjo’s Eighth Moon did Nenipven Halerth’ji’na Weevrnoop, Rogue Assassin and Second Class Thief, Order of the Putrid Swamp Thing, Blurpee Tribe, Boggsley Precint managed to escape.”
“We’re… not exactly sure,” hedged Ba’nath Jaquir, His Most Enlightened Lord of the Silver-Sequined Realm, Fifth Junior Earl of the Eight Gordanth Province, Second Advisor to Kre’th Jun’or.
“But we have a working theory,” Halafax Creeth, Assassin First Class, Order of the Gold Bow, Senior Marksman of the Uloff Tribe said quickly.
“And what, on the Ninth Ring of Salfrandjo’s Eighth Moon is that?” asked Malkkwe Huntraeek Hu’gfadst, Commander of the Glycine Phleet, Order of the Tangerine Crumpet, Chief Commanding Officer of the Kleenextic Tribe.
“Well, it all has to do with a spear of asparagus…”
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