In which the author tries every desperate attempt to pad her word count, like using way too many parenthetical wandering thoughts and adjectives to describe common things. For example, you could simply write ‘he grabbed a ball’, which gets you four measly words. It’ll take forever to even hit your daily word count that way! Instead, use embellishing tricks. ‘He picked through the tall white wire bin of sale children’s super high flying patented Snerdly and Vapint miracle bouncing balls and after futilely rummaging around for a few minutes he managed to get a hold of and pull out a cheap red and white striped (okay, not really striped if he was to be honest, because the wedges – and that’s what they were, wedges – of color tapered at the poles, so can you honestly say that is striped? Is there a rule that striped have to be even? Surely not, there are plenty of wonkily striped things that people refer to as striped, and that makes sense on a flat surface, but somehow it doesn’t seem the same rules should apply to something round, though they very well may be, he isn’t the arbiter of all things striped, wonkily or not, and to be brutally honest it doesn’t matter in the slightest because if it’s not striped that he didn’t know what else to refer to it as, anyway, so striped it is) three and seven-eights inch diameter synthetic man made plastic polymer (easy to clean and disinfect, the little brightly colored paper tag says, because goodness knows what germy, snotty messes kids are) ball in the serious overpriced toy aisle in the big box kill off the small business and ruin the country chain drug store that took the place of that quaint and charming little family owned Italian restaurant they used to like and eat at every Friday that had the most wonderful meat lasagna with the extra cheese melted over the top of it and served with that amazing crispy garlicy breadstick, not that Cheryl (that harpy) would eat it now, since she developed that weird phobia about tomatoes and most everything that is red, blood red or cherry red or maroon or crimson or whatever shade you want to call it, and now, come to think of it, she might massively freak out over the color of the ball so maybe he should get the calm ocean blue ball, the one with the mottled swirls of blues that he supposed was supposed to resemble a sky more so than an ocean (which would have more green and not have the white bits, unless it was frothy), but was a very unnatural shade of blue for a normal sky, at least on earth, but maybe the painter was actually an alien from another planet (who was he to judge) and he’d better get to buying the damn thing which, as he noticed, was not too terribly cheap, it would cost him the day’s Half Caf Non Fat Venti White Chocolate Mocha Starburp’s coffee and the snotty little kid would probably be ungrateful anyway, and his whining, grating voice would intensify the throbbing headache the lack of caffeine would give him.’ Four hundred and seventy four words, and really, I’m sure a few more could be crammed in there.
Realst pecked at a snack-size, bright foil wrapped chocolate a peanut bar with a chewy nougat center whole Nenipven, now clad in a hideous outfit of dirty, tattered, and possibly blood-stained rags scurried hunchbacked to the door for the umpteenth time that evening.
“How long does this go on?” he asked, though a beak stuck together with chewy, delicious caramely nougat, the result being words that were not quite intelligible.
“Are you eating another candy bar?” Nenipven asked, shaking a finger sternly in Realst’s direction. “What are we going to do if we run out? I suppose I could smack you like a piñata and hope candy falls out.”
“Apparently,” Realst said, again consulting his bluish green glowing orb. “Tradition dictates that you turn off the porch light. That is the signal for everyone to stay away. Hmmm, seems a few neighbors are already contemplating that.”
“Why would anyone want to stop?” Nenipven was aghast at the very notion. He threw his arms up in the air, unfortunately, he was still holding on to the large cheap orange plastic candy dish. Several miniature candy bars flew up the side, and like graceful little skateboarders on a half pipe, flipped over and landed neatly back in the center of the bowl. “This is fun! All the costumes! Some are boring, sure, but some kids have obviously put a lot of thought into it. Do you know what I’ve seen while you’ve been sitting back here in the corner stuffing your beak?”
“No. But I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.” Realst fluffed his red feathers tucked his head under one wing.
Nenipven either failed to notice his companion’s marked inattention, or simply did not care. He took a deep breath and started.
“First there was a pirate, and not just any pirate, no, it was the Dread Pirate Roberts out of a film called The Princess Bride. From what I could gather this is a very popular film, very quotable and fun, and is a serious classic. Okay, not that kind of classic, not like… not like Gone with the Wind, at least not yet, since it’s not old, but definitely a cult classic with a horde of very devoted fans. And the Dread Pirate Roberts… he’s this kind of non-existent character, because… hold on, door.” He answered the door and dispensed more candy to a group of slightly older children in disappointing costumes. “Huh. Not very creative, that group. Anyway, this film seems really interesting, and I think we should see it. There are a few others that register in people’s minds as ‘cult classics’ that I think we should see, as well. Like Rocky Horror Picture Show. Though I’m a little sketchy on the plot of that one, it’s rather muddles in people’s minds. There’s a song about time, though – or at least the warping of time, and I think that alone makes it a good study for us.”
“But,” Realst said, bringing his head out from under his wing. “But does not this watching of films require… time? And it is limited, here, yes? Is that not what you have been trying to show me? How are we to… have the time to watch movies when this world is about to end?”
“Hm, you have a point. As much as I would like to sit in a movie theater and experience them the way that humans do, we do not have the time. So.” He closed his eyes for a moment, absorbing the movie from the memories of those in the area. “That was less satisfying than seeing them for real, but maybe once we get this black hole nonsense reversed, and we will, because if there was ever a planet deserving of existing, this is it. They have things, have thought of things, that no one else has. And if they are allowed to continue to develop technologically, who knows what they will accomplish? Hold that thought, door!” He sailed back over to the door, then hunched over before slowly opening the door, causing the hinges to emit a spooky squeak. More candy was given out, and then he was back.
“I tried to tell you, no one has ever convinced the universe to reverse a decision. If it was going to be reversed it would have been and we wouldn’t be here. That’s your own theory on time and cause and effect, in case you’d forgotten. So because we are here… because we were there… no, because we were sent then, the future of now, this planet I doomed, or we wouldn’t have been sent here. Then. Now. Whatever.” Realst snatched another packet of Peanut M&Ms from the back-up black cat and witch plastic candy bowl.
“But the now has to exist once, and once then is reversed this now will be different and we won’t be here and will never have been here, now, or there and then. This, I’m afraid to say, is a bit of our existence that will have never taken place. But it has to take place now, to convince them to save the planet, and then once the planet has been saved we won’t have to be sent here… there… then… and so we won’t.” Nenipven smiled smugly, very pleased with his own logic.
“But if we’re not sent here… then… dammit! If we’re not sent on this mission, then the planet will be doomed, because us being sent here would be what changed the course of the planet, yes? So without being here, we can’t save it, but because we are here, it can’t be saved. Correct?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Realst asked.
“Because it results in this planet being destroyed, and I don’t accept that.” Nenipven huffed off and went to answer the door.
“Well, can’t argue with that logic,” Realst said with a yawn, and stuck his head back under his wing.
“You would not believe what that was!” Nenipven bounced back in the room. “One little girl was dressed up in a cute pink leotard and a white tutu complete with lace-up ballet slippers, but she wasn’t just a ballerina, no. She also had a set of swords strapped across her back and primly declared that she was a ninja ballerina. It was so cute! And she was very, very sparkly. Do I have glitter on me? I can’t have glitter on me, I’m not supposed to be cute. You can’t be scary with glitter on you. Well, maybe. A zombie belly dancer would be glittery, but scary. So maybe. But it certainly wouldn’t work with my costume. Are you even listening to me, Realst?”
Realst pulled his head out from under his wing just as a rock-hard piece of Double Bubble bounced off his chest. “Watch it! You’ll put an eye out doing that! Yes, yes, I was listening, I was just resting my eyes.”
“So where was I? Oh yes, started out with a pirate, then a lion and a ladybug, then a spiderman, then a batman, and then another spiderman, this one better than the first, a gypsy, a clown, a duck, and octopus – that was a clever costume, the way they got all the tentacles connected and moving! – a robot, another rather generic looking superhero, a poor kid who have cleverly used his very realy broken arm to dress up like a hospital patient, a rock star, another batman, the entire cast of a movie called Harry Potter, including teo Harrys and a Fang – that’s a dog – and a pig, a scarecrow and a lion, a zombie, a princess, a frog, a dinosaur, a mummy, another rock star, another spiderman, an elf, a hobbit, Spock from Star Trek, several sheep and a fence, a witch, an angel and a devil, a construction worker, policeman, Native American, biker, and a G.I. that sang me a wonderful song – want to hear it?”
“No.”
“Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town there's no need to be unhappy.” Nenipven started to sing loudly and slightly off-key.
“Oh boy,” Realst muttered.
”Young man, there's a place you can go. I said, young man, when you're short on your dough. You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time.” Nenipven stopped for a moment. “This is the good part. There’s a dance. Are you watching, Realst? You have to watch. It’s clever. Watch!”
“Watching,” Realst said.
“It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. They have everything for you men to enjoy, you can hang out with all the boys. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel,” Nenipven sang with gusto, tossing his arms in the traditional dance.
“That’s very,” Realst started to say, but was cut off with more exuberant singing.
“Young man, are you listening to me? I said, young man, what do you want to be? I said, young man, you can make real your dreams. But you got to know this one thing! No man does it all by himself. I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf, And just go there, to the Y M C A. I'm sure they can help you today. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. They have everything for you men to enjoy, you can hang out with all the boys. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel.” Nenipven bounced around the room, now holding an imaginary microphone.
“That’s…” Realst tried again, but Nenipven ignored him and kept singing.
“Young man, I was once in your shoes. I said, I was down and out with the blues. I felt no man cared if I were alive. I felt the whole world was so tight. That's when someone came up to me, and said, young man, take a walk up the street. There's a place there called the Y M C A. They can start you back on your way. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A. They have everything for you men to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys.”
“Really…”
“Y M C A ... you'll find it at the Y M C A. Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down. Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground.”
“Nenipven…”
“Y M C A ... you'll find it at the Y M C A. Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down. Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground.”
“Nenipven!”
“Y M C A ... just go to the Y M C A. Young man, young man, are you listening to me? Young man, young man, what do you wanna be?”
“NENIPVEN!” Realst screamed.
“What?”
“Door.”
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