Never judge a book by it’s cover, or a naked man by the size of his… cucumber.
“I can’t say I enjoyed it, no,” Judith said. “I mean, I suppose I didn’t hate it, but to say I liked it would be a stretch, as well. Actually, I can’t remember the last one I read that I really enjoyed. Maybe I’m just getting burned out on mysteries?”
“I went through a stretch like that, too,” Kathy said. “Everything I read was just… boring. I mean, yes, the plots of most mysteries are similar by necessity – a murder, robbery, kidnapping, whatever happens, and people try to solve it. There’s a formula, and that’s what makes it a mystery. But there should be something that grabs you, something unique about that particular story, that makes you want to read. And sometimes it’s a long time between good stories.”
“For me it’s about the characters. The story can be as formulaic as a geometry text, as long as I like the characters. That’s what keeps me reading,” Barbara said.
The three women sat around a small table at a sidewalk café, sipping tea and munching on cookies. A small pile of paperback books sat in a pile in the middle of the table, all bearing different colored post-it notes stuck to various pages.
“But it’s agreed, we really do need to quit the Middleton Book club and shop around for a new one?” asked Kathy.
“Agreed,” chorused Barbara and Judith.
“They’re not even open to feedback as far as book choice is concerned, and that odious Beatrice acts like she’s the queen bee. I can’t stand that women.” Judith repressed a shudder and snagged another cookie.
“I say we try out the Coffee and Crumpets club that meets at the bookstore on Park Street,” Barbara said. “I’ve heard great things about that one.”
“The only problem with that one is the time they meet – it would be tough for me to get there on time,” Judith said. “But if their book selection is good, I could try to make it work.”
“I have their last three selections here. Looks like they’re reading Changeless by Gail Carriger next month. Have you read anything by her?” Barbara asked.
“I read Soulless, the first book in the series,” said Kathy. “I didn't think the writing was very polished – it was very informal and almost blog-ish in a lot of ways – but my goodness was that story fun. And I did like the characters – though I refuse to picture her like the woman on the cover, who bothers me for some reason. Probably because it looks like her spine is broken. I'm definitely up for reading more in that series!”
“What about the characters?” asked Barbara.
“Varied, and interesting. The main character… you wouldn’t think you’d like her, but you do. She’s odd and quirky, but not in a Mary Sue sort of way. And the one vampire…” Kathy shook her head. “There are definitely some odd ducks in that story.
“Vampires? Oh no,” Judith said. “My friend tried to get me to read that Twilight crap and I think my brain tried to crawl out of my head through my ear to escape. I am not reading teen angst, and this from a person who admits to liking some romance novels.”
“It’s not at all like that,” Kathy assured her. “Yes, there are vampires and werewolves, but… let me finish… but there’s nothing emo about it. It’s steampunk, actually, with a hint of romance novels, and a very practical, logical, down to earth heroine. Not at all what you’d think when someone says vampires. And no one sparkles. I promise. But you really should read Soulless before going on to Changeless, since it’s a continuation of the story and I’m guessing there will be some things that happen in the first book that may have relevance in the second.”
“Or the author could over-summarize, which would be annoying if you read one right after the other,” Barbara said. “You know, just the other day, I was watching my DVDs of NCIS, and half of an episode was ‘preciously, on NCIS. Okay, I exaggerate, it wasn’t half of an episode, but it was an exceeding long lead-in.”
“Oh, that does irritate me. I think for the DVD versions they should take that out and just put up a screen that says ‘If you want to know what happened previously on NCIS, hit that handy little menu button on your remote and watch the flippin’ previous episode, you dolt.’ But that might not fly with the general public. I’d find it funnier than hell, though,” Judith said.
“You’d think they could at least edit it out, because it’s hard to skip forward past, since it’s not always a separate track. Sometimes it’s just a quick ‘previously’, and sometimes it does go on and on and on,” Kathy said. “What really irritates me is DVD sets that don’t have a ‘play all’ option, and, even worse, ones where you have to navigate back up to a main menu to select the next episode. But sorry, didn’t mean to get us off-track. What you read lately?”
“Okay, you know I’ve been on a cleaning and organizational binge lately, right? I checked out loads of books from the library, and most of them were so-so. Some were bad. Organizing for Life by Sandra Felton falls into the bad category. I suppose I should have known better, with a subtitle like ‘declutter your mind to declutter our world’ that this book wouldn’t be for me. To be fair, it doesn’t claim to be a how-to book when you start reading it, though the back cover blurb is a little misleading in that regard. One of my big problems with this book is that it is very religious. It runs along the same lines as Alcoholics Anonymous, where you need to surrender yourself to god and realize you are powerless, etc, etc,” Judith said.
“I’d have a clean house, but Jesus keeps hiding the vacuum cleaner,” Kathy said. They all chuckled, though Barbara looked a little uncomfortable at that. She hadn’t really come to terms with the fact that her friends weren’t the most religious bunch.
“Mostly this is a self-help book in the sense of looking deep within yourself and coming to terms with the reasons you don’t clean, which isn’t helpful as I know why I don’t clean – laziness. The book doesn’t address that at all, and isn’t at all helpful for those of us who just need some motivation, aka a kick in the rump.” Judith paused for a moment. “But I supposed I have to be fair and mention there was one thing I liked - that the book addresses the fact that compulsive cleanliness is as much of a problem as being messy.”
“Doesn’t sound like a keeper, I’m surprised you made it through it,” Kathy said.
“Well… I didn’t really. I skimmed most of it,” Judith admitted.
“I want you to know your obsession with cleaning and organizing rubbed off on me,” Barbara said. “I picked up a few of those books, but my choices were worse than yours. I started with House Beautiful Storage Workshop by Tessa Evelegh, and man, was that depressing. Seriously, who has houses like these pictured in this book? If I had a house with that much space, I wouldn’t need tips on organizing.”
She pulled out her cell phone and brought up a picture, handing the phone around to the girls. They arched their eyebrows and nodded.
“No kidding. If I could afford that…” Kathy shrugged.
“And if I just wanted to look at pictures of model houses to depress me, I would do that. I mean, I realize those pictures are supposed to inspire you, but, really, they just fill me with envy and sadness that no matter what I do, I won’t have a house that looks like that. The walls of bookcases, the neatly stacked tiny pile of CDs in a wicker basket – are there people who really only own a dozen CDs, and have just one remote? Really? The artfully arranged towels – because goodness knows I only have one perfectly matched set of towels! … and, of course, the neatly made – with china and silver! - dining tables.” Barbara grimaced.
“Yes, if I had the house and the money to have floor-to-ceiling bookshelves built in, that would be awesome.” Kathy’s eyes shone with the fantasy of her own library, with wall after all of floor to ceiling bookshelves.
“Bottom line - very pretty pictures, beautiful houses, and if you’re looking for serious remodel-grade idea for your house, this might be the book for you. But if you’re looking for quick and easy tips that work in most houses, give this book a pass,” Barbara said. “And the next one I picked up wasn’t much better. Easy Home Organizer by Vicki Payne. I will say that there are some good little ’15-minute’ organizing tips in the book, though most aren’t anything new – like how to clean out a junk drawer. And I do love the step-by-step instructions for projects like installing pull-out bases in cabinets. It’s not a cheap storage solution, but it would be very handy. But, overall, it suffers from the same problem the other book did - ‘model home syndrome’.”
“Oh, another one where the pictures of the rooms in this book are just too perfect?” Judith asked. Barbara nodded and took a sip of her coffee. “I hate that. Instead of inspiring me, they tend to be a little depressing. Because I don’t have a house with nifty nooks and crannies and/or wide open spaces for shelving and storage. A lot of the solutions aren’t practical in a lot of homes. When are people going to realize that?”
“My absolute favorites are the pictures of desks with computers… without CPU towers or unsightly cords. Just a picturesquely placed monitor and keyboard, looking all spiffy on the wide-open desk,” Kathy said. “It’s this sort of unrealistic – and unattainable, at least if you want a useable computer – picture that irritates me. Like I’m supposed to have a house that looks like that, and if I fall short, I’m a failure.”
“No kidding. I think I’m done with those books for awhile. Maybe in a few years I’ll have another bout of insanity, but… not for awhile,” Barbara said.
“Well, I read a great cleaning book,” Kathy said with a grin. “Frankie Pickle and the Closet of Doom by Eric Wight.”
The other two laughed. It was just like Kathy to pick something so out of the box, they thought.
“Easily the most entertaining ‘cleaning’ book I found during my library search, and, honestly, if I could turn cleaning into as much of a fun adventure as Frankie Pickle, I wouldn’t have a motivation problem!” Kathy said. “Sure, there’s a moral to the story, and it’s aimed at kids… obviously. The comic-style artwork is quite fun, though I really wanted to color it in – I resisted, of course, as it was a library book, but I can’t say I’d be able to if I owed it. And, yes, it only took me about 20 minutes to read, and didn’t really motivate me to clean, per se, but I really enjoyed reading it.”
“That sounds like fun!” Judith said. “Too bad so many adults lose so much of their imagination as they grow older, and so many people look down on those who dare to express any hint of wackiness.”
“Seriously, it might actually be fun to dress up like the dryer sheet fairy to do the laundry!” Kathy said. “If it got my family clean underwear on a regular basis, I can’t really see them objecting.
“Yup, if slapping on jeweled rubber gloves and calling yourself Madame Sudsalot makes doing the dishes less of a chore, I say go for it!” Judith was about to say more but her attention was caught by a ruckus across the street.
“Do you guys see what I see?” she asked.
“I... think so,” Kathy said.
“But I really hope not,” Barbara said. “That’s… disturbing.”
“I’m sure there’s a rational explanation for why a Viking is chasing a naked man down the street,” Kathy said somberly.
“I’m more interested in where he got a cucumber that size,” Judith said. The other two gave her a startled look. “It’s not a euphemism, you two. Look!”
“Oh, he really is carrying a cucumber,” Barbara said.
“And it is absurdly large,” Kathy agreed.
“How odd,” Judith said, and they all turned back to their coffee and talk of books.
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